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July 2013

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Sherlock Fic - Security

Title: Security
Author: impulsereader
Fandom/Genre: Sherlock crack!fic
Length: ~850
Born of a prompt on Sherlock BBC Kink Meme, though the story is actually gen. Full prompt appears at the end.
Summary: There is a hostage situation. Sherlock is helpful.

The security which surrounds Mycroft’s office is subtlety elevated to art, and it has proven itself effective in the past when challenged by disguised members of the press, suicide bombers, a friendly-looking elderly woman wielding a tea trolley bearing arsenic-laced sugar lumps, a flock of angry parrots (he is still convinced Sherlock was behind that incident, though he cannot prove it), over-ambitious girl guides, over-ambitious agents of the FSB, on one memorable occasion an extremely determined American film actor bent on ‘researching’ his upcoming role, as well as various other scenarios both great and small.

What it seems his work of art is not attuned to is a welder from Hackney who happens to be wildly swinging a croquet mallet and raving incoherently about closures on the Jubilee Line.

Mycroft regains consciousness after only a few short minutes, but he has been out long enough for the intruder to have secured the forearms of himself, Dr Watson and Sherlock, each man to his own chair, using various pieces of clothing. He notes with distaste the sock biting into the fabric of his jacket on the left and the shoestring doing so on the right. Across from him, the good doctor looks resigned and Sherlock, he notes sourly, is positively gleeful.

“You should probably secure our legs as well,” his brother points out.

“Yes,” Mycroft responds bitingly, “do let him know where I keep the cable ties.”

“Bottom drawer on the left,” Sherlock instructs. “All the way in the back,” he adds as the intruder begins rummaging through the indicated drawer.

Mycroft grinds out, “I will tell you where the duct tape is kept if you promise you will gag the gangly one.”

“Why should he gag me?” Sherlock asks cheerfully. “I’m being helpful.”

“Yes, you certainly are, brother dear,” sneers Mycroft as his ankles are secured to the chair’s legs. “Your government thanks you.”

Sherlock has the gall to look affronted. “As it rightfully should. Your government claims to be interested; no, invested even, in the rights of its citizens. This man’s demands are therefore lent grandiose importance by the very existence of your government. He has the right to be heard.”

“He has the right,” Mycroft bites out, “to line up with the rest of his kind and wait his turn in Hyde Park if he’d like to be heard. He certainly has no right to make hostages of government workers.”

Sherlock snorts. “Please.” He turns back to the intruder. "What are your demands? You should allow me to review them before the authorities arrive.”

“I just want to get on the bloody tube when it suits me!”

“Oh, we can do better than that,” Sherlock assures him.

Mycroft cuts off this exchange ruthlessly. “My dear man, I assure you that we in this office have nothing to do with Transport whatsoever.” The word transport is intoned as if it were something nasty he had stepped in, recently enough that the unpleasant scent still lingers in his nasal passages, making him curl his nose in distaste.

Sherlock dismisses this statement with a brisk tsking noise. “Don’t believe him. Nothing goes on in England without first being approved by this office. Now, how would you feel about being knighted, or perhaps elevated to a peerage? You should demand money as well, especially if you take a peerage; upkeep is expensive,” he advises sagely.

“Sherlock. If you continue in this vein I will make you regret it.”

“If you’re really married to the tube, you should demand your own personal locomotive. Our lives are definitely worth that.”

“Oh for – no one is going to believe that this man is prepared to beat the three of us to death, one after another, with a croquet mallet. Be sensible, Sherlock!”

“I shouldn’t think he’ll beat me to death; I’m being helpful. Do pay attention.”

Finally, John bursts out, “Shut up! Both of you just shut up! I honestly cannot take it any more. You are never allowed to be in the same room together ever again, do you hear me? If I find myself with the two of you again I’m going to shoot one of you; just walk up to one or the other of you, whichever of you happens to be nearest and shoot you dead. No questions asked. Have you got it? No. Questions. Asked!”

In the startled silence that follows, which is punctuated only by John’s harsh breathing, the intruder walks over to him, regards him solemnly, then asks, “Are they always like this, then?”

In a tone of flat resignation, he responds, “Yes. Always.”

The intruder nods thoughtfully, then unties him. “You can go,” he says. “I’m really sorry about this. I hope the rest of your day is better.”

John blinks at him, startled. “Right. Okay. Erm, thanks.” He hastily leaves the room.

The intruder turns to Mycroft. “Where is the duct tape kept?”

There is no chance for him to answer, because at that moment the intruder is felled by a crossbow bolt to the right shoulder. He collapses onto the ground, clutching his shoulder and moaning in pain.

Anthea steps through the door decisively. “So sorry, I was on a tea break.”

The end

Original prompt:
For some reason, Mycroft has been held hostage (in his office - someone has a grudge against public transport?; or during one of the cases - because he went to check up on Sherlock?; etc.), and everyone else is getting a bit panicky.

Except Sherlock. He's constantly pointing out all the mistakes that the criminal(s) are doing, calling them names, generally provoking them like his normal self (maybe it's his way of showing concern/irritation/etc?). For example, "No, you fool! Secure his arms, properly! Before he elbows you and gets free! God, you'd think you'd never done this before!"

And Mycroft is just sniping back that he's "not helping the situation at all, thank you, and could he stop giving advice to the lowlifes that had the gall not to check that all exits were secure."

Basically a lot of sibling rivalry between them, as they see who can unnerve the criminal(s) first (because it's not like they're all that competent anyway, plus the gun's not loaded.) Scotland Yard just gets more and more exasperated and frustrated by their antics, but John is long-suffering ("You see? THIS is what I have to deal with every time they get together").

Bonus: John having to stop them fro being TOO childish (much like Mycroft does in 'ASiB'.


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LOL This was great. I like the idea of something possibly more serious as well, but this was fun. :)
Well, once criticism of public transport, a villain armed with nothing but a croquet mallet and a frighteningly efficient Anthea with a crossbow melded in my head this was inevitable. I'm very glad you liked it. I will have to wait and see if my brain puts together something more reasonable in future.
Oh wonderful. As someone who lived in London for ten years, and had the frustration of 'Planned Engineering Work' each and every weekend I totally understand what this hostage taker is on about. I spent my weekends getting Rail Replacement Buses to and from Baker Street as that was where I could get a 189 bus home!
I am actually very relieved that at least one part of this fic wasn't completely ridiculous. Thank you!
LOL! I do feel sorry for John, having to deal with the pair of them. Sherlock and his suggestions - then Mycroft helping too (as long as he'll gag Sherlock). And I love Anthea being so darned efficient at taking the bad guy down! This is really funny. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for commenting! I'm not sure why Anthea has a crossbow, but she does and she's quite good with it.
*sobbing with laughter* poor John. Even random deranged hostage takers feel his pain. God. Someone needs to give the poor sod a knighthood. Only fault? That it ended! :D
Awesome. Thanks so much! Poor John, indeed.
Lovely! Especially when Anthea's weapon of choice is a crossbow!
Thank you! She keeps it tucked in her drawer, next to that pair of shoes that sometimes comes in handy.
LOL at helpful Sherlock, and John's outburst!
Nicely done. I think the poor hostage taker will be wishing he picked a different office. And Anthea-an efficient girl...:-)
Yes, this particular criminal chose - poorly - shall we say. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment!
*snickers* Of course Mycroft keeps cable ties in his desk drawer, just in case. And of course Sherlock, just to screw with him, would inform their kidnapper of that fact.
Well, yeah. I mean, duh...thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment!
I giggled! I mean, really, that poor hostage-taker had NO IDEA what he was getting himself into, did he? and his actually letting John go was the single most priceless thing I have ever seen. Must have been pretty galling to Sherlock and Mycroft, right? and lots of love for Anthea and her crossbow :D this was just all-around silly and perfect!
Thank you so much! I didn't see it coming, but letting John go was really the merciful thing to do under the circumstances. I almost feel like I should have let off our poor hostage-taker as lightly.
Fun, love the randomness of the croquet mallet weaponry. :D
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it.
At least this time John didn't have to do any extra travelling to be held hostage. Of course he's resigned. His life is like "Buy some milk, buy some milk, be taken hostage, buy some milk"...or was that "Be taken hostage, be taken hostage, almost buy some milk, be taken hostage"?

I have every sympathy with the welder. First he is driven mad by public transportation difficulties, and then, just when he thinks he is going to be heard, he manages to confine himself with the Holmes brothers. At that point the arrow might have almost been a relief.
I am laughing so much it is difficult to type accurately. There is lots of backspacing going on.

Poor John; who is only doing the shopping so he doesn't starve to death, and is only being taken hostage for his efforts. And by the way; why does Sherlock need a flatmate? He is clearly flush with cash - if nothing else via Mycroft.

I do regret I couldn't let the villain off more easily but instead awarded the victory to Anthea and her crossbow as it felt more appropriately ridiculous.

And though cracky, it feels very much in character!
Oh good! The reason I was nervous about having produced a Crack!fic was it seemed like the lazy way out of keeping everyone in character. Thanks for commenting!
I'm so glad you enjoyed my story. I'm a little surprised at the amount of reaction this little one has gotten. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment!
I adore Sherlock being helpful, and snarky Mycroft, and finally-fed-up-and-verklempt John :-) Great use of the prompt ♥

I need my own Sherlock icon.
this TOTALLY made my morning!!!!!!! Every bit of it was perfect, from Sherlock being 'helpful', Mycroft being irritated at his clothes being creased, John doing his block and promising to shoot them and BAMF!Anthea. This fic is going to see me through the day :)
Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it. Even just this little bit of Anthea has me shipping Mycroft/Anthea now and I'm definitely planning on giving her a really good bit in the story I'm working on now.

I really should watch through the show again to get the PA / Anthea bits correct. She was not!Anthea at least once I seem to remember...
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